Procrastination via Dreams

I have a giant post to write about WILDFLOWER, but instead I'm recording my two worst anxiety dreams....the Wildflower post will be heady, I need a couple hours to relive it.

CHEESE WHEELS
This dream struck about...hmm Tuesday before Wildflower, so five days prior. It started as a run-of-the-mill anxiety dream, with the bike course refreshing endlessly out in front of me, ineffective pedaling, hills growing cartoonishly steeper in front of my eyes. Eventually, I found myself on the backside of the course - hitting the course up a month early to help visualization also makes your crappy dreams more accurate and frightening - amongst the wildflowers. The more I pedaled, the more I felt like I was going nowhere; assuming I had a flat, I looked down at my tires to find they were made of cheese, and the more I pedaled, the more the friction melted them away. So I pulled over into the technicolor flora, put my bike upsidedown, and had a hard think. I wanted to CHANGE the tires to wheels NOT made of cheese and finish the race, but I also wanted to EAT the wheels. I cried on the side of the dream road.
Ding!
The team said they were going to nickname me Cheese Wheels after hearing about this, but NOTHING DOING. I'm as nicknameless as the day I was born.


COACH FIGHT
This is actually becoming its own genre of dream, as this is about the third like it I've had. Ostensibly it's about my insecurity that my coaches LOVE me, and how much I want to please them and hop around like a kid and have them love my ebullience; on a "Oh, that's for real" level, its about how I feel I am not as dedicated to the training as I should be, how I make excuses, and how I beat myself up for this even while unconscious. HEAVY.
The actual dream was a practice we were apparently having in a Van Goghian cypress forest - the scenery was painterly, the sky textured 3D with gesso and painter's medium, the field crowded with looming trees. We were all there for bike practice, and had all our stuff, but I had forgotten my helmet. There was enough of a delay for one reason or another that I apparently had time to ride back to my house to get it, but I was over a barrel about wanting to do so - I don't know why. So I whined and whined and asked everyone whether they thought I should go get it, taking up the time I needed to go get it, and knowing it. Finally Coach Paul took me aside and in words I can't even remember enough to paraphrase, but remember the sharp sting of acutely, told me all I ever do is make excuses; to grow up and stop. The dream ends there as far as I know.
I feel pretty bummed out to even relate how lamely I treat myself when the answer is to just stop being lame and then lamer in retribution, but....that quandary lies smack at the nexus of WHY. Why I signed up for this in the first place. The WHY that I circle around while I'm out on the course. In all things - I think I can, and largely I know I can - and I still back off where it really counts. WHY.
I should say that I had this dream on Monday night - two days after doing the hardest thing I've ever done, and being pretty proud of it, too. Back to the grind.


WOW SORRY DUDES
Next post is VICTORY post I sweeeeeaauuhrrrrr