Jacket Rah Rah

THIS PICTURE IS A LESSON.
A lesson about how working really hard on something will make you okay with wearing its swag.

I have a long, long history of being down on swag. Of brutally mocking poor grips & stagehands wearing rental house or gear company or gig tour shirts. I even call it SCHWAG sometimes.
I even told Dave Horwitz when I got this jacket how sad I was that they ruined a perfectly good plain jacket with words that would make strangers talk to me in coffee shops and grocery stores.
But guess what?

I wore this jacket in public today! To work even!
Because guess what??
I AM gonna do those things! And I think I'm proud of it. Ask me. Ask me. Ask me about what my jacket says.

Okay. Time to drive 5 hours to camp 2 days to train for 80 miles.

Green Hills Ahoy

That's Lake San Antonio! I am excited today, though still a bit nervous for May. I'm not nervous about this weekend. I've been wanting to camp, this is good. I have 10 gallons of water, a bike, shoes n junk, a cooler of food etc etc in the car out the window behind my back in the parking lot, waiting for me to get done working . . .

The schedule for this weekend of fun is:
today, Friday
6 pm - drive up to Monterey County after work
11 pm - pitch my tent & go the heck to sleep

Saturday
6 am - Breakfast & packing lunch ! Pack. Lunch. Fun. To remember!
6:45 am - Roll Call. More kid stuff! More fun!
7:15 am - Swim Clinic in the Lake!
7:30 am - Swim 1.2 miles !
8:15 am - Bike Clinic
8:30 am - Bike 56 miles !

AND then a break I guess! I brought T.S. Eliot's "On the Problem of Pain" to read...but maybe I'll just eat, pass out, eat & nap instead.

5 pm - Dinner. Probably my favorite part of the weekend!
7 pm - Meeting & it is rumored a talent show - I am not sure what I'll do. I'm good with Excel. And. Uh. Embarrassing myself. Which is. Neither a talent nor immediately reproducable. Uh. Huh.

Sunday
6 am - Breakfast. 6 am again, consistent, I can hang with that.
7:45 am - Run Clinic
8 am - Run. Thirteen. Point. One. Miles. Furthest I've ever gone.
12 noon - Optional Swim. Huh. That's...weird.
2 pmm - Break down & go home.


I think any real anxiety is coming from the fundraising email I am about to send out - I hate asking / I hope it goes well / I need it to go well / eXtreme deadline / I don't have the money to pay the difference in two weeks if I'm not able to raise enough. Yikes. It's just a bit distracting, but I suppose is also the point.

Guess what? I'm hungry!

ONE MORE TIDBIT IN THIS SPRAWL OF AN ENTRY:
Josie Campbell calls Ironman "Death Race." This is one of those things that makes my face warm in embarrassment & pride at once.

Title = Brain Mush

Feeling restive - am packing & unsuccessfully sleeping the night before travelling to Lake San Antonio for Wildflower Weekdend, Wildflower being the half-Ironman course I will be running on May 2, in prep for the real event in August. This weekend we camp + train and it's all snuck up on me pretty quickly. I think I qualify as nervous.

I've never had to study much, and never had to do overly much prep for any assignment; winging it is where I feel most comfortable, and I am generally unproductive until the pressure of time is non-negotiable. I don't mean that I put off term papers until the night before. I mean that I stay up til 1 am screwing around, take a shower at 1:30 and start to outline in my head, and then get up at 5 am to write the thing itself. So to some degree, the freaking out I'm doing a bit here - in one month I'll be swimming 1.2 miles, biking 56 miles & running 13.1 miles in one day - is familiar: I know its time to get serious. But I'm afraid I'm still not. Or haven't been and this is the time that everything that's always worked isn't going to work.

Or maybe I'm being too hard on myself.
I also think I'm hungry.

Pool Grumposaur, or, Why I Hate LA Fitness

I went swimming this morning. I was supposed to go last night, but late afternoon nap + gym changing their hours to close earlier, leaving me 30 minutes to swim + superfluity of fake boob girls and geriatric dudes just bobbing along in every lane = swim in the a.m.

Not surprisingly after yesterday's run, I was tired. I don't know if swimming yesterday would have been easier or impossible, but today's mile and a half swim was a plodder. I ended up clocking 25 minutes for the straight mile, but uh......I'm not super impressed with that at all.

What I really want to talk about is gym pool ethics. More specifically, who shouldn't be allowed to use the pool. More specifically, can I make people stop using the pool? Or ask them to adjust the way they use it? When I say this, I am talking right at the following:

1. Aforementioned Fake Boob Bobbers. Have you seen this? They like....walk up and down the pool, never getting their hair nor faces wet. They don't always have fake boobs. Sometimes just big ones. Most critically/mysteriously: I've done some pretty self delusional "exercising" before, but...sigh. It hurts to even repeat it. Pool walking? This has to be the most alimony-supported workout I've ever heard of.

2. Aforementioned Geriatrics. Sorry, world. This makes me too sad / angry to talk about more. They do, however, sometimes put their faces in. One rung above fake boobs.

3. Sprint Guys. These are dudes in board shorts who get in, usually with a buddy taking the lane next to them, and do one lane sprints, then rest for 30 seconds to a minute, then sprint again. They usually do 10 to 20 laps total over 15 ridiculous minutes and then get out. They almost always go in the hot tub after. Please, please just stick to 5-a-side hoops.

4. No Eye Contact People. They are usually slowish but not painfully so, and they won't let my line of sight cross with theirs so that I can ask them if we can do circular swim and fit three people in a lane instead of them and their slow lane partner taking up the whole lane. This is starting to get technical.

The point is I'm used to all of the above types. What I've never seen before today was two kids - maybe 9 and 11 - and their poolside Dad, coaching them for over an hour. Taking up a whole lane (a THIRD of the stupidly small pool) when they were doing the same 25 yard drills and could have gone one in the front of the other while four of us stood around the pool waiting to get in.
Although....they did give me a lot of speculating material while I swam. Their grandpa was perched on a chair near where their Dad paced, and stayed completely silent the entire time. The kids were pretty good, but not so good they shouldn't have been on a team; they didn't seem particulary resentful, but they mumbled to themselves and each other every time they stopped at the end of the lane. There was a slight Slavic feeling to the whole thing. Sometimes they'd be swimming beside me, and I was usually not able to keep up. Tired! Achy! Lithe little swim people!

Swim report FIN.

Records Comma Breaking Them

Um, guys? I had a great run today. I just got back, the sweating has slowed to a trickle, and I'm plotting my path on mapmyrun.com like a kid before Christmas. How far how far how far how far ? ? ? ?

Okay, I was at 5.74 miles at 1 hour, which is a little less than I was hoping, but still further than I've done before....continuing mapping...okay!

So 10.2! That's officially the furthest I've ever run. Good, right? I reckon even if my mistaken optimism was certain I'd hit 12 miles, its probably better to be excited and under-running than angry and barely moving. Or. What? I'm still too fresh from the run, my brain word maker isn't the best.

But! 10.2. Remember?

HA HA! Dave Horwitz just kissed the top of my head-hat and started crying because it was all sweaty! 10.2 DAVE! REMEMBER??

Rage like a Baby

I either did not set or never heard my alarm this morning, and woke up at exactly the time I should have been 30 miles away, hopping onto my bike with the rest of the team for a 60 mile ride. When I realized what I had done, I decided to drown my frustration with myself in a deep pool of more sleep. However, I didn't plan on another FIVE HOURS of sleep, and thus found myself gearing up for a four hour ride at 12:30 today - I had an inner tube to change, and a new double-water bottle holder to mount (for a total of FOUR water bottles being carried on my bike) before I could get started.

I didn't want to drive the car to a superior path or mountain or blah blah, so I just left the house and headed for Griffith Park and the LA river. My whole goal today was to keep my average speed above 15 mph if I could, and try and bring my 60-mile time a bit below four hours. I figured since the river path was mostly flat I'd do okay. I was wrong. Not dead super gross regrettably wrong, but wrong.

The loop I'd set, from Fletcher & Riverside to Forest Lawn & Barham, is apparently not that long - 7.71 miles each way, so just about 15 in total. It looks like this:
Objectively a 15 mile loop seems like that should just about do you, but something was really demoralizing about having been in the saddle for a couple hours and knowing I needed to loop around two more times. This coming from someone who spent 3 hours a day from age 8 to 16 turning around every 25 yards in a swimming pool. I just wasn't going as fast as I wanted - I kept up 18 - 20 mph on the flats, but felt totally brutalized by the slightest hills. Probably from trying to burn on the flats. Sigh.

Eventually I decided to ride into the park and try and do the Griffith Park Dr hill, which was probably a good choice - I was going miserably slowly at the bottom, trying to just keep moving without using my two lowest gears, and about 60% of the way up I decided to just stand, which is really laborious & generally a frightening prospect to me, and to not stop standing until I reached a particular "Horse X'ing" sign. By the time I'd reached the sign, the crest of the hill had come into view, about once again the distance from when I'd stood to the horse sign, and I decided I had it in me to reach the crest. That little victory was lovely, and the 28 mph decent felt nicely earned.

Then I went back to that stupid loop again...Somewhere around 3 hours, I got angry. Really irrationally angry. I think the first time I ever got angry in this mode, where you try and resist it, knowing its stupid, but it just gets out of control, was one time Kevin & I were on a road trip, exhausted, and I had three pieces of bacon at some crappy breakfast place. He kept joking that he'd take one, and I kept laughing while fighting the creeping annoyance the whole thing gave me, and when he ended up grabbing one, I lost it so badly all I could do was swerve verbally between screaming at him and laughing, and felt like I was going actually crazy from the disparity between how retarded I knew I was being and how nuclearly upset I was. The visual of my fork going into the back of his hand made me feel both more creeped out by myself and slightly relieved. Maybe a weird aside, but I thought a lot about the bacon thing during the last hour and a half of my ride.

At one point I rode over probably not that big of a rock, and the jolt it gave me translated into a flash of red in the neanderthal part of my brain - shouting "Motherfucker!" through gritted teeth five times seemed, to whatever part of my mind wasn't being an asshole, like not the best solution, but it got me through. Immediately after I stopped shouting, the back of my bike made a weird noise that felt like the wheel was falling off, and I angrily RIPPED my feet out of their clips, pulled the biked over and shouted at the bike before even trying to see what was wrong. 20 feet back, the new water bottle cage was sitting in the road - as it was falling from the seat post, it was dragging on the back wheel, which was the noise, and really a pretty okay problem to have. I still had 20 miles to go, and really wanted to make it in 4 hours, so I didn't want to take the time to reinstall the cage. Result: it's still on the side of Forest Lawn Drive, under a shopping bag under a tumbleweed - I'm not joking, thank god for LA trash - and I'll go get it later when I'm not angry at it anymore.

So kept riding, etc etc, getting pretty angry and my legs increasingly ineffectual - these are the moments where I realize what I'm attempting, and somehow that thought actually bears some fortitude, and its the pain & annoyance, I guess, that somehow are what allow you to keep going. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Goals. Huh.

In the end, got home 3'54" after I left, and had done 56 miles. I stopped checking my distance after 42 miles, and stopped checking the time after 3'30". Just kept my ass in the saddle.

Recon$iliation

Yeah, I know "reconciliation" is spelled with a c. Whatever. Give me my $-laden blog titles. BECAUSE TODAY IS THE BLOG WHERE I COUNT ALL THE MONEY I'VE SPENT SO FAR! Sing that part in caps! Festive! (I'm hyper! Nervous! Hyper! Money! Ahhh!)

WAIT.
Before I start saying how much money I've spent on this, since in theory people I am asking to donate might cruise to this page on the road to being convinced to donate, let's spend some time on a philosophical question.
The question is........does it make sense to spend possibly more than the amount I need to raise via donation? Rather, why not just donate a bunch of money to cancer (read: Leukemia & Lymphoma Society)? Right? This is a thing we TNT'ers talk about fairly often.
Answer is........I think.............awareness? Right? Awareness?
Wait. Hold up. I'm gonna talk me through this slower, and in the form of a horrible horrible, made-up dialogue.
Person 1: Whoa, you're doing Ironman. Nuts.
Me: Yep. Nuts!
Person 2: Whoa, that's nuts!
Me: Okay guys! You're making me bashful here.
Person 1: WHY. are you doing that.
Me: Uhhh.....fundamental brain malfunction. No. Wait. I'm raising money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I lost an uncle to blood cancer. So...and...I couldn't train for this without being on a team. So. Both. Intertwined.
Person 1: That's rad.
Me: Okay. Give me money.
Person 1: Errr..

Okay, that didn't help me. The point is....hmm...we don't normally like to give $ to things, even though we want to help the things that we are sort of avoiding giving money to. So then I do this thing that's really difficult, and it makes you impressed, and this makes you give me money. Right? Or, better than that, me having to raise the money makes me squack about this thing I'm doing way more, and then maybe makes you think about wanting to do it, and together! we proselytize! For weird fundraising efforts generally and cancer awareness specifically and OKAY, I'm cool. I did it! I have cooled my jets!

Now, let's count some receipts.

Specialized 2009 Dolce Comp Biiiike - $1,650.00
Shimano PDA530 Clip / Platform Pedals - $85.00
Black Butt Pad Bike Shorts - $38.25
Specialized Bike Pump - $34.00
Rad Fold-away Wall Mount Bike Rack - $25.50
Water Bottle Cage - $7.65

Okay wait. This is where I have to say a cool thing that happened. Cynergy, where I bought my bike, didn't give me my TNT discount when I bought my bike. I was bummed but embarrassed to insist. Mike Rizzi told me to ask anyway, and they gave it to me retroactively, a MONTH later. So the next things I will list with their prices, but they all ended up being free after the $165 or something bucks I got.

Women's Small Cycling Gloves - $29.75
Specialized Cycling Jersey on 50% discount! - $29.98
Mini Wedgie Bag (Survival Kit) - $16.00
Speedzone Sport Wireless Cyclometer - $38.25
Ultraflate Plus CO2 Holder Inflater Thing - $15.30
Park TL-1 Tire Levers - $2.55
Park Glueless Patch Kit - $2.00
Pro Bar Cocoa Pistachio (yum!) - $2.97
FRS Recovery Drink Single Serving - $2.25
all "free" !

FRS Recovery Drink Packets x2 - $5.78
Bodyglide - $8.00
Labor to remove broken shifter to send to Shimano for repair - $20.00
Shipping to Shimano - $5.00
Broken shifter replaced for free by Shimano (warranty) - Awesome
48mm Spare Tubes x2 - $16.00
2-pack CO2 cartridges - $8.00
FRS Single Serve Recovery Drink x4 - $11.56
Pro Bar Sesame Goji (mmm!) x2 - $6.60
Generic but Awesome Cycling Cap that I lost in Sydney - $16.00
Frog Lights x2 - $18.00
New Wireless Cyclometer because I didn't have one part for the old one but they didn't have the part at the store I was at so I bought a whole new one and still need to sell the other one on Craigslist - $42.60
Pedometer that doesn't click but that I still haven't used - $24.99
Racer Back Sports Bra that rubs the skin off my ribs if used for more than 1' - $16.99
BAD ASS Cycling Knickers with Butt Pad - $55.24
Dual Bottle Cage Mount - $49.99 (!!!!)
5 more water bottles - $24.95
New Generic Cycling Cap, also awesome - $15.99
Hammer Sustained Energy Drink Powder - $54.99 (supplements! oy yoy yoy)
Target's Perfect Cheap Digital Watch to replace the one I lost - $9.99
Tyr Alliance Practice Swim Suit - $39.99
Tyr Latex Swim Cap x2 - $5.98
Tyr Anti-Fog Drops (spit's not cutting it!) - $2.99

In addition, the earlier rounds of spending I did, that I'm a bit lazy to track down the blog entry for OR I just lost the receipt or something (read: estimates):
Asics Bad Ass Running Shoes that I love - $80.00
Inserts for Running Shoes - $25.00
Socks! x6 that I have lost all but 3 pairs of - $18.00
Speedo One Piece Practice Suit - $35.00
Original Angrishly Expensive Swim Caps - $11.00
Goggles x2 - $21.00

And then there's gas + picking up Cliff / Promax / PowerBars etc before practices...hmm..let's toss another $120.00 onto the pile.

The maybe total so far - note the general Bike-sucking-up-the-$ trend:
$2,610

Hmmm. Phew. Sigh.

Bad Times! My Times!

What's up, internet? Somehow, on day bajillion of not being a good blogger, I'm finding myself becoming one.

TODAY's deal is: this morning's run sucked. Bad boy looked like this:

40 minute run at 10k pace, this was supposed to be. So I got up, did some stretching for the benefit of IT band, left the house feeling fine, and couldn't make my legs more effective than logs dangling from my hips. I have no idea what the deal was - I've run for two hours with less mental energy than this took. And with less stretching beforehand!
I ended up doing 3.58 miles in 38 minutes, which is lame, but around what I had guessed I'd done as I hobbled up the steps to my house.
I've been so full of positively surprising myself lately, I guess its good to remember the tough surprises too. And once I checked my email, the theme only got more robust.

This is an excerpt an email from Danielle, my mentor / the one that convinced me I should do this - she just completed Ironman New Zealand, but apparently had some difficulty on her run:

SO here I am running like a champ and then like a light switch, it all changes. A dark cloud enters my body and everything shuts down. I see stars and I am on the verge of passing out. I had to stop and walk. I was teetering and barely conscious. I had no idea what to do as this was new territory. At the next aid station, I walked up to a medic all cross-eyed and asked her what I could do/eat to stay conscious. She grabbed my elbows and looked in my eyes which were googling all over the place. As soon as I stopped moving (first time in about 13hours at this point), my entire body cramped up on me. She basically told me, I just had to keep moving. So that is exactly what I did. I had to make a tough judgment call and had to walk the remaining 8 miles. I felt like if I ran, I would have used too much energy and I was having these awful visions of me collapsing a mile from the finish line. I knew I could just walk and look straight ahead. These 8 miles were the most insane of my life. I went to a place that I didn't know existed. I keep calling it my vision quest. I stepped out of my body completely. It was no longer mine anyway, there was nothing left. I still don't know entirely how I was moving. I lost my mind a bit and started talking to people that weren't there...I started singing to myself...I'm pretty sure they were all original songs, can't really remember. I kept repeating the mantra "keep moving forward" at least 200 times. Walking 8 miles in the dark, all by yourself, in a foreign country when you have nothing left in you is absolutely otherworldly. I could never accurately articulate that feeling, you would just have to experience it for yourself. (which I know many of you are perfectly fine not knowing) Let's just say, I know I could get through anything now. I went to depths that I didn't know were there.

AND THE THING IS, when I read that, all I want to do is this crazy race! What is it about me / her / all the stupid endurance athletes in the world that wants to push to that point? Before I muse more, the grossest video of all time:


GROOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSS. I'm positive that video was in my databank before signing up for Ironman, and I'm almost as positive that it flashed in my mind as my lips curled up into a crummy smile when I signed my paperwork to get into this mess. So that's today's question - why does watching that video at my desk at work make my legs and arms twitch, my LUNGS get eager, my brain start buzzing to get that close to nuts, or to not get that close to nuts, or to fall, or crawl, or walk or run or ..................................- that stutter is the point.
I have no idea how its going to go for me. I've seen the course; I've begun to approach some of the distances I'll be covering; I've even gotten a glimmer, here and there, of really how difficult what I'm attempting will be. But ultimately, I can't imagine how its going to be or how I'll do until I'm doing it. It sounds SO HARD! I don't think there's anything else in my life that's that hard that just comes down to me going out and doing it - all this Hollywood business depends so heavily on other people, lucky gears turning, timing and opportunity; other career worries depend on time and inscrutably small momentum over years to see turn out. This is just.........I will or I won't. Totally humbling / exciting / daunting / thrilling. Want it.

Ignorance is the only thing making this possible

That's part of a hill. I climbed it this weekend! And now I'm all about self congratulation. Here, look at it like this!:
Yeah, I dunno! You can tell there's the ocean on one end and a mountain on the other, and from what I know about oceans being low and mountains being high, I reckon that's a real ride.

Somewhere in the middle of the 10 mile climb, I figured out the key to training for Ironman: don't pay as much attention as you should when they explain what you're about to do. I didn't realize it was a 10 mile climb, or that it was around 2000' up, or that I'd be climbing for a solid hour and change - although all of those facts together still probably would have found me mostly in the dark. At some point, you just get on your bike, and decide you won't get off it until you get to the top. That's how you climb Latigo Canyon.

I also want to give the first ever Gnarly to the Max Award to my coach Paul, who biked up behind me, said I needed to pedal harder, and then PUT HIS HAND ON MY BACK AND ACTUALLY MADE ME GO FASTER. By pushing me! While he also was on a bike. Going up hill. W. T. F. Amazing.

Other things I learned / figured out:
-standing up in your seat IS really helpful, for the 20 seconds I can manage it
-going downhill at 25 - 30 mph for 10 miles is really. really. fun.
-don't not take a water bottle on the hour-long run after the bike ride

Aaaaaand as a little icing on the cake, the free masseuse that rubbed me down after the work out told me I have one of the tightest IT bands (the helpful tendon that connects my knee to my femur / hip along the length of my thigh!) he's seen recently, and that he thinks it could snap. I need to talk to my coach.

I still have a permanent personal Chemical Brothers soundtrack going in the back of my brain after doing that climb though. I'm rawesome!

SHAME (& Minor Victory)

OH MY GOD. It's been THREE MONTHS since I wrote anything here! Ridiculous.
My guilt muscles are pry the most active in my body, and when the holidays bled into January and I hadn't written, I got all blah blah; which made it easier for January to become February, etc.....silence.

The quiet on the writing front does not, however, correspond to a break in training, and I figured today was a good day to say:
I RODE MY BIKE SIXTY MILES TODAY, and boy are my legs tired.
My butt hurts. Like. HURTS.
I have a weird tan on my arms, where I pushed up but did not take off my long sleeved shirt.
My knees are looking at me like "WTF?"

I haven't been on a bike since around....February 17th or so. Travelling around Australia is not much conducive to cycling for 3 hours every few days. The point of which is that I was shitting bricks before this morning's ride, and I feel like I did okay. I kept an average speed of 15 mph, which isn't great, but takes into account the hills where I chugged along at 6-9 mph, and the headwinds I was dealing with for the last, oh, 2 and a half hours of the ride.
I know I need to get that average up...at that rate I'd take 8 hours on the bike on race day. Wait, that's not that bad actually. Hmmmm!

Someone the other day asked how I don't get bored on long runs / rides, and I thought about that a lot today. The closest thing I can figure out is this:
1. Generally my brain is way overactive, and being forced to have nothing to think about except, often, keeping going, is a really nice experience, and I feel much calmer mentally than usual. Which I guess is the opposite of what you might expect.
2. Any thoughts I do have, which tends to be me trying to plan things - work stuff, writing stuff, paying bills stuff - aren't really ever able to go on for longer than a minute, really, before they get interrupted by thoughts about continuing to keep the pedals going around / the feet in front of the other / the arms pulling & legs kicking, checking the timer, drinking water, adjusting in the saddle, etc. Which again I think is an improvement, as temporary thought un-pattern, over my usual circular routine.

I read Haruki Murakami's What I Talk About When I Talk About Running in about a day and a half while on vacation - I'd wanted to read it for awhile, and was stunned to find whatever he's talking about sounds, to me, just like me regarding distance events. He had this to say about what he thinks about while running:

I'm often asked what I think about as I run. Usually the people who ask this have never run long distances themselves. I always ponder the question. What exactly do I think about when I'm running? I don't have a clue.
On cold days I guess I think a little about how cold it is. And about the heat on the hot days. When I'm sad I think a little about sadness. When I'm happy I think a little about happiness. As I mentioned before, random memories come to me too. And occasionally, hardly ever, really, I get an idea to use in a novel. But really as I run, I don't think much of anything worth mentioning.
I just run. I run in a void. Or maybe I should put it the other way: I run in order to acquire a void. But as you might expect, an occasional thought will slip into this void. People's minds can't be a complete blank. Human beings' emotions are not strong or consistent enough to sustain a vacuum. What I mean is, the kinds of thoughts and ideas that invade my emotions as I run remain subordinate to that void. Lacking content, they are just random thoughts that gather around that central void.
The thoughts that occur to me while I'm running are like clouds in the sky. Clouds of all different sizes. They come and they go, while the sky remains the same sky as always. The clouds are mere guests in the sky that pass away and vanish, leaving behind the sky. The sky both exists and doesn't exist. It has substance and at the same time doesn't. And we merely accept that vast expanse and drink it in.

Which reminds me: the ride today was on the Pacific Coast Highway, and shortly after I turned around, in a few nice minutes where there wasn't strong wind or a hill and I was able to chug along nicely, a seagull flew alongside me at head height - two minutes at 18 miles per hour with a bird gliding with me. That's all I really thought about just then.